Adapting....

To life once more. Not that I've forgotten how to live but just living life as I should. Not having to wonder what other people are thinking but rather just living and enjoying the moment.

I've always thought I am living the life but things don't quite always pan out. But here I am, in my own place now and making the most of it.

Having just finished most of the wedding cake I was asked to bake, I feel a sense of achievement. To be given that opportunity to make an impression or just to give the happy couple that chance to have a beautiful wedding with a great tasting cake. And I dare say, I've made a beautiful cake. Nothing like what the professionals are like, but beautiful nonetheless.

But where am I going with this? I'm adapting my life to what I want it to be. Working at a challenging job on a topic that people seldom address unless confronted with, baking for the joy of it and when the time arises, get paid for it as well, and enjoying the comforts of living on my own.

I won't say whether I miss certain other things and people but who knows. Some things are better left unsaid.

Lyrics - Wherever you will go by Charlene Soraia

Am a big fan of this london based singer... so here's her lyrics...simple but straight to the point!


So lately, been wondering 
Who will be there to take my place
When i’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone 
Could you make it on your own?

Chorus:
If i could, then i would 
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe i’ll work out 
A way to make it back some day 
*Towards you*, to guide you 
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
Well i hope there’s someone out there 
Who can bring me back to you 

Chorus:
If i could, then i would 
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
I’ll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart 
Run away with my hope
run away with my love

i know now, just quite how 
my life and love might still go on 
in your heart, in your mind
i’ll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus:]
If i could then i would 
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
If i could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
If i could turn back time 
I’ll go wherever you will go 
I’ll go wherever you will go 

anxious

somehow I get pangs of anxiety at the weirdest of times and these feelings aren't normally spawned from thinking too much or feeling utterly emotional, but the fact that what comes after feeling anxious normally becomes a fact is pretty strange.

I'm not sure whether it is because I am anticipating something will happen, or am just displacing the facts of past experiences, thus making me feel anxious!

now I sound like a broken down record...

writing...

Would it be considered strange, odd, weird, downright crazy if you start writing your feelings down on how much you miss being with the other. How you reminisce about the times you had together...

is that insane? or just writing your heart?

doesn't matter whether it's in a form of a letter, a note, a postcard, or just a one-liner on a piece of paper to say...

I love you
I hate you
I miss you
I want you
I need you

That day

... I was touched by God
... overcome by a miracle
... overwhelmed by magnificence

... tears rolled down my cheeks
... I experienced more than just normality
... was spellbounding on a more than just a superficial degree

... peace came over me
... ominous presence laid its hands on me
... I was born again, a new person, a new day, with new hopes, new dreams

... I became whole again
... brought a clearer picture
... a brighter future

Lost

There are too many people,
The crowds are overwhelming,
The noise is overpowering,
The traffic all too consuming.

I can't see you,
I need to perch above the sea of bopping heads,
I can't find where you are,
There's just too many,
My head's a blur,
I can't see straight.

Why am I so lost
Yet so clear minded at the same time,
Why can't I think straight,
Yet remaining so undeniably focused.

What am I to make of it,
A lost lamb in a large plain,
How am I to understand this,
When nothing seems to make sense.

A flurry, you sent me into,
A flutter, goes my heart,
Butterflies and moths,
Float in my quizzical mind,
With thoughts dotting in and out of it
not entirely comprehensible.

The not knowing,
Is making me tired,
Exhausted even.
The effort to understand,
causes more anxiety
rather than calming my saddened soul.

Is it better to not understand
or seek reasons for anything at all
Perhaps creating excuses,
Is far better than justifying anything,
logically or not.

friendship and honesty

this topic has been mulling in my mind for a while now. and this post has taken me about 10 days to complete. From changing its topic to the content to what exactly do I want to say.

I am still searching for the right words and I guess being blunt is the best way to go about it.

I love my friends. Despite what many may say about some of them. I've been told to choose before and I refuse to bar certain ones that were either too worse for wear or just not worth my time to invest anymore effort in it.

I'd go to the ends of the earth for them especially my best friends who have been there through thick or thin. And there are some whom, nevermind who they may be, who will always be the people whom I would always make sure they are never hurt. When they hurt, I hurt more.

There is one thing though that I have learnt throughout my many years on earth. HONESTY is always the best policy. I've only ever asked for people to be honest with me. Especially my friends. And I know how people can sometimes think this might be prying into their privacy. But seriously, honesty is the BEST policy. Why lie? Isn't HONESTY what friendship is based on? Unless of course the friendship was never one to begin with. Can one truly stay as friends when that simple requirement in a friendship has been taken away?

FRIENDSHIP + HONESTY + EMOTIONS = ??

I am emotional when it comes to my friends. Can they blame me? Those that do then probably don't understand me a great deal. For those who don't, they accept me for who I am, and love me for being that emotionally attached, and passionately driven. Every person i am friends with, I hope to keep for life. I understand that I may not be everyone's cup of tea but heck, I am who I am.

When honesty is questioned in a friendship, where do you go from there? Do you accept that the other person just cannot be part of your life because he / she has chosen to lie? There could be reasons behind it that one cannot question or having suspicions on whether the truth was told can also have its adverse effects. So is it better just to leave the situation be? Or do you pursue a just answer?

I for one thing would rather live in honesty than lie. Especially with my friends. Yes, there are times when certain facts have been kept in the dark because of what may transpire should the truth be revealed but I feel more at ease knowing I've done my utmost best by being honest with my friends and telling them the exact truth. I tell it like it is and I think that's what keeps my friendships healthy.

Ask yourself this: would you rather be kept in the dark when it comes to your friends? I don't think I would want to. How else could you be called a friend then? If you can't even be honest with your friends, then are you honest with yourself?

Think about it.

To the boy...

who stole my heart,
who made it love,
but who also made it crack

who mended it,
who destroyed it,
who made it love again
but broken it once more

you knew how much you meant to me
yet you never fully understood my heart
you knew how much it felt for you
yet you never fully appreciated its presence

to the boy who couldn't really see
but claims he can see
whose mind can never really be read
yet tries to read everybody else's

can't you not see that the grass is indeed greener
can't you not see that loving one person
is enough to fulfill a lifetime of love
can't you not feel that the ocean is calmer
all because you know you have that one person
who has all that love for you

yet...

unrequited love
goes unpaid
goes unrewarded
only pain survives
only heartache remains

why dear boy why
explain yourself I say

past heartaches are never forgotten
but remembering the good times
keeps the heart and mind sane
past loves build character
into what may be a beautiful person
just don't let that heartache
that pain, that sorrow
overwhelm you, overtake you

i don't know what else to say
i don't know what else to do
i don't know how to feel
i don't know who else to see
i don't know...
i really don't know...

Circumstances

Do you think that when you're faced with a certain set of circumstances, you end up having to decide whether or not the circumstances that you are in would go your way or not.

I have been many a time been faced with very surprising circumstances, and while most of my decisions have been thoughtfully planned out, some i let slip and lo and behold, the end result is never how I would envision it to be.

Can you go back on some of the decisions you make? Or do you just live with what has transpired from those decisions you made based on the circumstances you were in?

Ambiguity in such situations can only lead to confusion hence my preference for outright-blunt-in-your-face information because then at least we won't be making decisions based on assumptions. We assume too much sometimes thus resulting in misunderstandings. I guess this is where the German side of me comes out in which all possible information is laid bare and out in the open for your taking just so things have been cleared up, and decisions then can be made on the most reasonable level.

Then again, wouldn't it just take the fun out of making decisions altogether? After all, many decisions, like in experiments, are based on assumptions and therefore would then mean accidents might or might not happen and voila, a new discovery! I guess my rationality does play a huge part on why my decisions are always made as such.

However, that only applies in my work. When it comes to matters of the heart, I apply a whole different set of rules. Well maybe not entirely different from that for work but nonetheless slightly different. My heart does the talking and I blame myself for allowing my heart to lead me astray one too many a time. Yet, I'm a romantic at heart, a sucker for the romantic gestures, the caring, the giggling, the whole jazz. And despite how many heart aches I endure, I still think that there is love out there.

Then again, I find myself in situations that compromise my ability to think. Especially in relationships. Which is in my opinion, quite often. I give in way too quickly, I make irrational decisions sometimes even I am baffled by but I put it down to my love for that person. I want to go all out to please that person, to make sure that that person is happy.. but I forget about my own happiness and more often than not I end up being the unhappy one because I am not fulfilled personally and emotionally.

So again it boils down to circumstances. What can we do with our circumstances?

New phase in life...or not?

I realise how sometimes I don't really think when I do something. My passion in life always drives my decisions and gets me going. But sometimes it just runs askew and there I am left dumbfounded, shocked, unamused by what has transpired and down right... disgusted perhaps?

I am an emotional person. A person where feelings mean a whole lot more than just well... feelings I guess. The way I see it, I invest in many things emotionally. Some may say that it is good because I take ownership of it, some may say it is dangerous because then I over indulge in it and hence my feelings / emotions get thwarted. I believe in God and Jesus Christ as my guide but my heart tells me and guides me far more than God. A lesson sometimes I think I should learn in which God should be the one to guide rather than me trying to be self-righteous and go on a hell-bender and hope to GOD that things will pan out. But that pretty much describes my life.

Anger is never one of my strong traits and when I do get angry it somehow is tied to a huge catalyst of some sort. And what when anger does come into play, boy oh boy does it get out of hand.

People know me as a calm person with very little anger spurts because I keep it under control. But maybe because I don't like confrontations that are anger based. But when I do get angry at anyone, then the silent treatment is given. But recently I have been more vocal. More in your face.

I don't know what to make of it. Is it because I can no longer keep quiet and that by voicing out my discontent, I'd be able to have some kind of dignity? Or by defending my position, it will at least help in telling people that I am not stupid and that my arguments have basis?

I am at a point in time where being tired is a common occurrence. Tired from what? Tired from being the little nice girl. Tired from being the one who minds her mouth because she doesn't want to piss off the person she is with. Tired from always having to think of what to say to make sure doesn't sound stupid. Or maybe just plain tired. Tired because I have not been able to absorb life to the fullest.

All this I can tell is quite challenging to me. I remember writing in a previous posting on another blog that I have been tired once before. And I seem to have repeated that. I am wondering when I will stop being tired and be energetic in the name of life. Not that I don't go exercising, I do. Not that I don't like socialising because I do. But just tired from it all.